What Summer actually feels like when you have emetophobia.

Everyone around you is excited for the ‘best’ season of the year. The sun is up for more than 12 hours, BBQs, going on holidays, and beer gardens. Summer is supposed to feel like freedom. But, if you have emetophobia, you might feel like it’s quite the opposite. The dread builds as the season approaches, you feel apprehensive about the expectations you need to fill. I know that feeling all too well. For years, summer was one of the hardest times for me. It was everything I had to do just to get through it that wore me down, even when, looking back, I was completely safe the whole time.

Flying felt impossible. It was the indescribable fear of being stuck inside a metal tube in the sky with a load of strangers. It was knowing that once you’re up there, you can’t get off. That loss of control is terrifying. I was so worried about someone being sick near me, or if I felt sick, because there’s nowhere to go.

And then there’s the food. When you are on a trip, you are kind of forced to eat out more, there’s no comfort of knowing you can go into your kitchen and cook your safe foods. It’s all new, unfamiliar restaurants and different hygiene standards. I used to go through every single review for each restaurant, checking there was none that mentioned food poisoning, and if this meant I had to sit there for 20 minutes, I would. I couldn’t risk not knowing if I was about to consume a meal that could make me ill. Buffets were their own nightmare entirely. Something as simple as the basic human need of eating food becomes challenging and extremely anxiety inducing, I would always be thinking about how I couldn’t wait to be back in control.

By the time I got home from my holiday, I wasn’t refreshed, I was utterly exhausted from spending my time being hypervigilant over every scenario.

Then there are the social situations that summer seems to multiply. Busy pub gardens, and more outdoor gatherings, maybe even a picnic. For most people this is the fun part, but when you are living with this fear, it means being surrounded by people who are carefree and letting go, and when you can’t do the same, that contrast feels really isolating. It reaches the point where your environment feels impossible to manage.

If any of this feels familiar, please know you are not being dramatic, and you are not failing to enjoy yourself. When you are wrapped up in the cycle of self-preservation, it is impossible to find perspective and to manage your thinking. It turns experiences that should feel enjoyable and fulfilling, into ones that you just want to run away from.

Why it feels so tiring.

This phobia thrives on routine and control, so when you are at home, in your usual environment life feels manageable. Summer unveils this safety blanket. There are more social occasions and less predictability, as well as the pressure to relax and enjoy yourself, (which, when you have emetophobia, can almost make things worse because now you are worried about needing to feel happy and serene).

Your brain is doing its job, just with some unhelpful beliefs and habitual thinking. It is constantly scanning for danger because you have told yourself for years that being sick is scary and dangerous. Once you find something that confirms this belief, perhaps a dodgy looking prawn, or a tummy ache, you just reinforce this cycle. This is what makes it so exhausting, your brain is working overtime every second of every day.

What actually helps.

What I’ve found, both in my own experience and in working with clients, is that the shift happens when you start to work on the belief that you can cope. That you can cope with new experiences, even with a bit of anxiety, and that you don’t need to avoid something just because it feels too risky. Pushing yourself in small ways, like trying a new restaurant without reading all the reviews, or going out for a drink with your friends is a really great start to building the self-belief that you are more capable than you think.

It is slow work, but it can mean you feel it’s possible to go ahead and book that flight, AND feel excited. This is just a small part of the work that goes into creating freedom, yet it is one of the most effective.

Summer doesn’t have to feel this heavy forever. If you ever want to chat more about what life could look like without emetophobia then I am always here. What is the hardest thing for you during the summer?