When you have a fear of sick, the cyclical dread of the ‘ber months rolls around every year. Before you know it, Christmas is around the corner and all the festivities have begun. There are advent calendars in the shops, Christmas market stalls, lists for Father Christmas, cosy dark evenings and a chill in the air. Everybody is excited for the most wonderful time of the year, but you are silently freaking out. All you can focus on is the increased chances of you and others around you getting sick. I know this all-too-familiar feeling.
The specific things that make Christmas so hard.
Each of us has different ideas on what Christmas should actually look like, however there tends to be a running theme of family gatherings of some description, lots of food, and alcohol.
You may be visiting family members and all gathering round for a delicious home cooked meal. Sounds ideal right? Unfortunately when you have emetophobia, this is one of the hardest things to endure. You are eating food that has been cooked by somebody else so you don’t know how it was prepared. Did they wash their hands properly? Is this chicken definitely cooked? What if this broccoli is out of date? The endless what if questions flood your head, but you feel unable to escape so you grin and bear it. It feels wrong to not be enjoying yourself and making the most of being with your family.
Then, you have the Christmas shopping to contend with. Crowded high streets, bustling markets, and queues longer than a mile. This is certainly not an emetophobe’s idea of fun. There are so many people in such a small amount of space. Any one of them could have a sick bug, people don’t always wash their hands properly, the children are all broken up from school, and therefore the risk feels too strong. It’s easier to stay at home and order presents online. The Christmas markets also feel too intimidating to explore, all the food stalls, samples to try and again, more people! Who knows how easy it is to pick up a stomach bug in this environment?
Just to top it all off, you have good old norovirus season. It tends to peak right around Christmas; how lovely. You hear of a friend who’s caught it, and it feels like it’s rampaging its way around the country. You feel too nervous to even leave the house, just in case you come into contact with someone who could be poorly. It can seem like the whole world is against you. Everything you are expected to do, and everywhere you wish you could go just feels too dangerous.
The guilt.
It is so hard to sit and watch everybody else around you having a great time whilst you are fighting an internal battle. You feel shame for not being able to just enjoy yourself and get on with it. You have to keep pretending that everything is fine, when really all you want to do is hide away. It is so isolating to be grappling with a fear that some people just don’t understand.
You wish you could do all the Christmassy activities without a second thought. I’ve been there, and I missed out on so much. I used to say no to pretty much everything at this time of year, especially things that involved eating and busy places. I wished so badly to be able to soak up all the Christmas fun without my fear getting in the way.
Why this time of year can feel so particularly difficult and what can help.
The build up to Christmas can be chaotic and seems to get earlier each year! You have work parties, school plays, and family to see. This can lead to routine going out the window. You lose what little sense of control you had left over your life. It can feel like you are running from one thing to the next with little room to reset. It’s no wonder your fear pipes up more than usual, it’s begging for structure and familiarity. But, although you might crave it, you don’t need predictability and perfection in your everyday life, this isn’t realistic and only feeds your fear.
Your emetophobia leads you to believe you must know how that food was prepared, or if your child’s friend has a sick bug, but in reality, your desire for control makes things worse. You have to let yourself be okay with not knowing. Start to allow yourself to carry on even if you feel a bit out of control. Nothing bad will happen, you will in fact start to build up some self-belief which is extremely helpful when it comes to getting rid of your emetophobia. It’s okay to feel scared and worried about this time of year, but you don’t need to let it take over every decision. You are a lot more powerful than you think you are.
Further support.
If you are reading this, I understand your dread and concern. I understand that it feels overwhelming and you wish it was still July. I want you to know that it does not have to be like this every year. You don’t have to just ‘get through’ the Christmas period, with your head barely above water. You can actually start to look forward to December!
If you are wanting to take the leap and get rid of your emetophobia, for good, then please do get in touch. You deserve to feel festive joy and excitement, so why wait another year?